like it never happened...

Well tomorrow will be 3 weeks after KJs surgery... My baby girl is back to her normal happy self. She doesn't seem to be limited in anyway, except for the fact that she doesn't like to walk (before her surgery she would walk around while holding onto someone's hands) She still pulls up and cruises around though. She just loves to be chased around the house.
I'm so very thankful for this time that I get to spend with her, uninterrupted. It's wonderful to not struggle with the guilt that I would have all the time when I would have to balance work and her. I can let her play with her grandparents without feeling like I'm missing out on something. I'm less stressed out, just enjoying each and every moment with her. I feel like our home is happier, there's less pressure on Justin to help. My house is still a mess, I haven't organized anything really, haven't started Christmas shopping, there's still a ton of stuff on my "to do" list, but I know that none of that stuff matters compared to the time I'm spending with our daughter.


her new "5" fingers

pics - not for the weak-stomached :) casts...incisions..

look ma - pretty new casts... GO PHILS!! (glad we got this picture when we did .. we lost one only 5 hours later


our makeshift splint..


her left foot, without her precious toe - I miss it already :(


her right foot


my happy girl - making funny faces :)

3 casts on.. 3 casts off.. 3 trips to CHOP..what a week

I wonder if everyone has the same stress response time. I have figured out that I can run on adrenaline for quite some time. When I had KJ - I felt "great" for 4 days after she was born and then I hit a wall and could barely get out of bed. I feel like I've been managing this past week pretty well, with alot of practical help from my mom. Well I hit my wall this morning.

So KJ lost her arm cast on Monday, she got a pretty new pink cast Monday. (see prior post)

Tues: KJ was especially fussy in the evening hours, I just figured it was because she was overtired. Finally got her down for bed, and figured I would escape out to see Justin play basketball, since my mom could listen for the baby. I was gone all of 30 minutes when my phone rang. My mom: "Becca, babies awake and upset. I don't want you to worry but one of her casts is off." I think angels protected me on my way home that night.. it was real wet and slippery and I wasn't driving very careful. Sure enough - her Left foot had slipped out of the cast. She seemed more scared then in pain, but it was still pretty traumatic, we wrapped her foot up and I called the orthopedic resident oncall. It was a long night... Justin and I were both so worried that she would bust her stitches open in her sleep. She slept sideways in between us and took up most of the bed, we took turns waking up randomly checking on her.

Wed: Left the house bright and early to head up to CHOP for a new cast. The cast room opens at 8, and we were there a little after that. The cast tech J smiled as we walked in and said that he was actually thinking after we had left the on monday that we'd be back. KJ didn't know what was coming for her. She's such a tough girl... they gave her a pretty new "philly" red cast on her left.. and we all agreed that she should get a new cast for her right foot becuase it looked lose anyway. I didn't realize what they were doing until it was already to late, of course they have to take off the old cast... which involves a fancy circular saw. Oh it was awful, KJ was already upset from all the tugging and holding but when that saw hit her cast even I could feel the vibration ripple through her body, it was so scary for her... and me. I just tried to hold her tight.. sang in her ear and wished it was over for her.
The rest of the morning and afternoon were great.. I felt like I had my little active girl back, you could tell these casts were much more comfortable for her.. maybe a little too comfortable for us all.
Pat came over later in the day, and was playing with the baby, my mom came out from a nap and immediately said - where did her toes go? Wouldn't you know.. my little Houdini baby wriggled her right foot deeper into the cast. (her little toes were showing through before) My heart just dropped and I got that sick feeling in my gut. I called the Orthopedic nurse and she said if it falls off just to wrap it up and come in the morning. It was almost funny... I just kept thinking.. how does this happen! 3x! My mom and I (Justin was working) spent the next 4 hours.. holding and entertaining our little girl...I didn't want her to put pressure on that foot if it was in a bad spot. She kept wriggling though, right before her bedtime she was really uncomfortable and actually pushed the cast off her foot herself. The poor thing... I wrapped her foot up again .. pushed some Tylenol down her throat and let her rest finally. Justin and I weren't as vigilant through the night this time.. we were beat.

Thurs (this am): I had hit my wall.. I knew we had to go back up to chop.. for the 3rd time. My baby woke up happy but couldn't play because of her exposed incision. My mom wasn't feeling well and Justin and I were still tired. I just kept crying... the adrenaline had run up finally. Justin just kept hugging me.. it def helped. Needless to say - I sucked it up. I couldn't be a basketcase all day.. I had stuff going on :) We packed the happy girl up, my mom came with me this time. We walked into the cast room and the girls looked up and literally said.. "oh no not again". There was much discussion. The ortho nurse wanted to give her two new casts above the knee.. which just sounded awful to me. Thank God for the cast tech J, God sent him into the room at the exact right moment. They were about to cut off her good cast when he walked over. He decided (apparently he has alot of say, he's beeen there 29 years) to just soft splint her free leg and wrap it really well. I was SO relieved...I could handle that.. that means only 2 casts have to get sawed off when we go back.. assuming they stay on :)

Its been an exciting adventure thus far... I'm thankful she wont remember any of this.. I'm thankful that God's mercy allows us to forget this hard stuff over time.. we'll even laugh about it someday. I'm thankful for the cast tech J understanding how awful having 2 straight, full leg casts would have been for a 8 mo old and intervened... I'm thankful for all my mom's help.. and my husband hugs and mother-in-laws compassion... I'm thankful for my little breakdown today - that it's over and I can move on :)

Oh - and we have 4 more days til we go back for an appt... 2 more casts to go :)

some excitement for a otherwise normal day...

Well KJ is doing amazing... back on whatever semblance of a schedule she was on, eating, smiling, giggling.. Today was a wonderful day. Justin was off, so we all went to breakfast at our favorite little cafe. The rest of the day we just filled with normal stuff. KJ has pretty much perfected her crawl with the "club" on her left arm and has started to figure out how to pull herself to standing like she used to :)

Anyway - for the excitement... my mom and I came home from a beautiful walk in the park and swings for the baby. Justin was in the bathroom :) We put the baby down to play and my mom started to prep for dinner. KJ kept crawling into the kitchen, but because we keep a sock on her casted arm she kept slipping, going backwards, just not going anywhere. So I'd put her back on the carpet.. and she'd start the whole process over again. Well I put her in the middle of the living room and started to walk away and she (of course) started to come after me and as she lifted up her left arm I saw something pink slip off. My heart dropped for a minute... I thought her arm fell off!! and then I realized her cast fell straight off her arm!! I scooped her up.. called out to my mom and panic'd a little!! Her poor little arm.. it was all skinny and sticky and surgery..y. Her little hand was all puffy, and stitched up and red.. but her fingers looked amazing. She immediately starting crying.. either from pain of finally being able to move her fingers (when they're not supposed to be moving!) or the fact that her mom was freaking out a little bit. I finally starting thinking clearly... grabbed some dressings and covered her little hand up before she could move too much. I knew we needn't to make a splint of some sort, all my mom and I could come up with was some plastic knives!... meanwhile... Justin is still in the bathroom! I of course am like.. Babe, I could really use your help.. the baby's cast fell off... he thought I was kidding, but finally came out to help. He saved our little girl from having a splint made of plastic knives and made one up from cut up cardboard.. sterile dressing..tape.. and oh wait... nursing pads! HA! This household can be quite comical.

Thankfully.. KJ was exhausted - we were already due for a nap.. so I was able to put her down and not have to worry about not lettting her crawl around. We had called CHOP and they told us we had 45 minutes to get there before the cast room closed.. so of course we left right away. She was a champ.. got a pretty new pink cast without alot of complaint.. and we were back home in about an hour.

Whew... she can't just be ordinary huh.. crazy
Oh and by the way - best part of this whole ordeal.. we didn't get one picture. Not of her precious little arm and fingers .. not of her crazy makeshift splint that her dad oh so precisely made for her.. and not of her getting a new cast.. Go figure.

Never say Hate... POD #2

So a little background... I work part time (2 days a week, 14 hour days) Therefore, in order to continue to nurse (breastfeed) exclusively I've had to pump milk for the baby. I've gotten in quite a routine thats working pretty well for the baby, and have a freezer full of milk ;) The day before KJ's surgery I was cleaning up my pump parts and said to my mom... "I hate this pump, so glad I wont have to use it for another 4 weeks" (I'm taking family leave from work this month) Well never say hate.

Due to the anesthesia, a sick tummy, and probably a sore mouth and throat, my baby girl went on a nursing strike for a day and a half after her surgery. I never imagined that she wouldn't nurse after such a traumatic time, it's her comfort, her mommy time, her safe spot. It's been very disturbing for me. I (surprisingly) really enjoy the relationship we have. People say breastfeeding is so much more than just a way to feed a baby and they are so right. I was really scared that our easy and convenient feeding would be over, along with our special mommy and baby time. SO in order to keep my milk supply up I've had to pump ever 3-4 hours around the clock, while my little girl refused me... a bottle, a cup.. basically anything we put in her mouth.

Thankfully - late in the morning today she nursed for real. I've never had a problem feeding her -even when she was born. I now understand that fear that alot of moms go through - a baby who won't nurse.. or even eat for that matter. So I've packed up my pump parts again .. and I'm being nice to it. :) We're definitely not ready to wean that part of our wonderful relationship.

As for her surgery.. she's doing amazing! Smiling, giggling, starting to figure out how to crawl again. She's really frustrated with her inability to do the things shes used to. She has a little thumb cut-out of her cast so we can check for blood flow. She tries to get her little speck of a thumb in her mouth. We had to put a sock over it but she still tries to find it. I feel like she looks at me wondering why I'm doing this to her and why wont I fix it. Babies are so amazingly resilient.. I know she'll keep moving along. My mom and I were talking about how wonderful she's doing..like Friday never happened. Only for the grace of God... :)

more pics

after surgery ... she has a question :)

this was before surg - still waiting for that smile to come back

The BIG day

Our day has been a long, exhausting day. I stayed up real late last night.. I wasn't tired. When I finally laid down, I stared at the pack n play next to me listening to my little girl breath.. praying. If you know me, you know I love sleep... I don't lose sleep over anything.. until now. I kept thinking this is the first of many sleepless nights as a parent.
We left for the hospital at 5:15 and got there a little after 6. Our little girl was her normal bundle of joy - just a little out of sorts from being ripped from her warm bed. We was pretty pleased with the whole pre-op process. They were pretty efficient, the nurses were really kid friendly and patient. KJ actually had a fun time in the holding area... played with nurse Gretchen stethoscope and toys and watched Sesame Street. Dr. D came in to speak with us and told us what to expect and KJ actually crawled over to him. Our other surgeon, Dr. C sent in a resident to stamp her hand, KJ didn't like him touching her - he has alot to learn about dealing with babies.
I feel like it was all a surreal process, I didn't really feel much - I guess I knew it needed to get done.


The OR nurse came to take her, my heart started to hurt then. I handed my precious cargo over to a stranger and of course she cried. He was pretty good about whisking her down the hallway. I just kept thinking - They'll put the screaming baby to sleep real fast ... right? That was around 730. My mom and in- laws were in the waiting room, I settled in for the long wait. Justin took a nap, my mom was a good distraction - she talks with everyone. :) They updated us on her progress twice. Around 930 the family service nurse came to say she was all done!! I couldn't believe it was so fast, we were expecting 4 hours. Then I started to get antsy, I knew she would be awake and I wouldn't be there with her.
We waited about another 20 min and then we were taken back to recovery.. Ive never seen my precious girl so scared. She was laying on a big stretcher.. all hooked up, swollen, red, and crying with this terrible hoarse voice (they intubated her for the surg) Thr nurse looked relieved to see us and asked who would hold her.. Justin immediately said.. her mom. I make everything better right? Not this time.. she still cried n cried. I was so scared that I was holding her in such a way that I was hurting her...with 3 casts n her only free arm had the BP cuff, the pulse ox, and an IV... it was tough. I tried nursing her n that didnt work for the first time ever in her life. Her dad just kept talking to her and rubbing her head, I just rocked her and tried to be strong and relaxed for her. Finally the nurse gave her a little pain medicine and she fell asleep.

If you know KJ at all you know she doesnt like to miss much. After about a half hour of her sleeping, I sent Justin to get the car seat. I wanted to be ready to go as soon as she ate something. Ironically as he left, a little toddler started crying down the hall. KJ bolted upright, looking around with her little drugged eyes. She of course got upset again, I think it was because her daddy wasnt there. The nurse found it amusing that she was so sleepy and still able to sit upright and look around. That's my little nosy girl for you.
She still wouldn't nurse, but she was staring to look more awake n was looking for her thumb, so I shoved a bottle of pumped milk in her so we could go home. She thankfully tolerated it, so we got her changed and packed up.

I never have been a crazy over conscious parent, I didnt sit and watch her breath for hours when she was born, laid her on her stomach to sleep so she wouldnt have a bald spot but it was pretty rough when we got home. I was exhausted and could barely keep my eyes open but I kept her next to me the rest of the day..with one hand on her practically the whole time.

It is quite interesting.. to know that as the mom.. you control everything and make everything better and then to be reminded that that is not true. There is this false dependency we get in our relationships.. I'll fix it, I cant live without him etc. I'm so thankful for Gods little reminders that I'm not Him... just an instrument. Its better that way.. trust me.

pre-op appt

Caught some pics while we were there..
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We had to go to a pre-op appointment (waste of time by the way) God gave us such a content, well-behaved little girl - but even this tested her limits :)
Caught some pics while we were there..

12 little piggies to 10... 9 little fingers to 10

My little girl was born with 12 toes (polydactyl) and her 3rd and 4th fingers on her left hand are webbed (syndactyl). The extra toes are congenital.. her pop-pop has 12 toes and her mom (me) was born with 12 toes and had surgery. The webbing is her own special thing

She's having surgery to correct all these little extra special things about her tomorrow. I just kept staring at her today... she's just so perfect. When she was born and they told me she had extra digits they were real apologetic about it.. and i didn't understand it. It's not a big deal - things could be worst! This surgery wont be a big deal.. right! Well its the night before, and I'm not as laid back as I was. My poor little girl has to have surgery! She'll be hungry, tired, cold, alone, medicated, and in pain!

I know the timing is perfect.. she can handle the anesthesia, she wont remember, it wont affect her developmentally.. but does she really have to have it done??

I have to remember through all of this... my life as a mom will be full of opportunities in trusting God with my little girls life, this is just the start of depending on His perfect plan for her life. I think of how much I love her, how I don't want her to go through any pain. God loves us all the more unconditionally. What does His heart go through when we go through suffering.

Anyway - I'll keep you updated on her progress.. here's some before pics for you

blogging...

So I'm starting this blog with the intention of journaling through my little k's surgery. My hope is for it to turn into more...but I make no promises :) Enjoy the journey with me.