it's been awhile but need to start recording this stuff...

So it's been 7 months since my world was turned upside down once again by my rollypolly chubster - Mason John. His smile lights up my world. He's such a different kid than KJ - content, but definitely knows what he wants when he wants it. He's big - he's in 12-18mo tops :) 20lbs at his 6mo visit. He grabs.. hard.. mainly my face and hair :) He's a ton of fun - but needs to be tickled and played with hard. (KJ would light and giggle at the threat of a tickle :) He's just a joy and watching him with his older sister is just wonderful... God is So gracious and good.


Anyway - I'm mainly posting because my 2.5 yo KJ and I had a wonderful conversation in the car today on the way home from MOPS and I want to remember her sweet heart forever.

I am taking the liberty to paraphrase slightly :)

Me: did you have fun today playing with the kids?
KJ: Yea..

Me: did you play nice and share?
KJ: No...

Me: Sweetie - you should always share, Jesus is happy when we play nice with others...etc...
KJ: No.. I fight.. I fight with Jacob.

Me: Babes - it's not nice to fight with Jacob - you should share ... blah blah
KJ: I fight dragons...(with a sweet sing-song voice) Hiccup fights dragons

* We have now entered into talking about one of her fav movies -"how to train your dragon"
*
Me: You do? Well Hiccup fights dragons because they were bad dragons. If anyone is ever mean or bad you let mommy and daddy take care of it.. you don't fight ...OK?
KJ: (not really listening to ANYTHING I'm saying) Hiccup has a knife... I can use a knife to fight dragons...

Me: No sweetie.. you never play with knives... you can fight pretend dragons, with pretend knives but never for real .. oK?
Kj: (still not really listening) But Hiccup's daddy gave him a knife to fight the dragons...

Me: (I'm running out of how to say anything at this point) that's true KJ, but your daddy and mommy won't give you a knife, and you're not to fight with them... that's just in a movie...

at this point, thankfully, we pulled into the driveway - and the conversation turned to her wanting to play in the rocks and mud and me pulling her inside the house :)

As we ate lunch, we read together "are you my mother" which she pretty much knows by heart... SOOO very smart - it amazes me daily :)
Love my sweet girl

Waiting... is harder than I thought

Well, I keep telling myself to journal but never get my book out so thought I would update this... not that anyone follows me - but it's good to get my thoughts down.

It's been 5 days... I've gone through most of my pregnancy feeling "not ready" , sadly almost regret about being pregnant. Regret because of guilt over having to split KJ's attention and fear of unknown. Justin lost his job 4 weeks before my due date... how can I care for 2 children at the same time, will my life continue as I have known it? I'm not ready for labor? I remember how hard and awful it was... All these questions, thoughts, fears have been plagueing me... and now I get to battle them a little while longer.

New thoughts and fears have come up in the last 5 days though. Is our precious little one OK? How many times has he kicked this past hour? Is he getting too big? Does he have enough fluid? Is he becoming anemic because of my antibody issue? Will I have to be induced? I have very strong expectations and standards of how I deliver... basically - as natural as possible. Induction scares me, how will I know what is the best thing to do at the time...

Prayer has taken on a new role in my life, I truly believe communicating with my Savior is keeping me sane, and functional. I've never in my life been so overwhelmed by everything running through my head and not been able to "manage". I am attempting to keep my thoughts captive... at all times. Trusting my God, who loves and knows me, with my heart, soul, and mind. Holding this little boy with an open hand as so many horrible feelings/options flood my brain. God is teaching me, more than ever before, that His way is best and that not only will His will be done, but His will is what is best for me. I struggle with even that - His will is what is best for His kingdom and glory - that I am just a small part of.
Patience and Contentment have become great lessons for me as well... I never knew I had a problem with contentment until Justin lost his job ... for a second time. I always thought I was a pretty patient person - until I've had to wait 5 long days for something that I still have mixed feelings about.. dread over labor, fear of future, but anticipation for another little light of our life.

Well those are just some of my ramblings... in no particular order. Just here waiting, praying, trusting, and pretty uncomfortable :)