Waiting... is harder than I thought

Well, I keep telling myself to journal but never get my book out so thought I would update this... not that anyone follows me - but it's good to get my thoughts down.

It's been 5 days... I've gone through most of my pregnancy feeling "not ready" , sadly almost regret about being pregnant. Regret because of guilt over having to split KJ's attention and fear of unknown. Justin lost his job 4 weeks before my due date... how can I care for 2 children at the same time, will my life continue as I have known it? I'm not ready for labor? I remember how hard and awful it was... All these questions, thoughts, fears have been plagueing me... and now I get to battle them a little while longer.

New thoughts and fears have come up in the last 5 days though. Is our precious little one OK? How many times has he kicked this past hour? Is he getting too big? Does he have enough fluid? Is he becoming anemic because of my antibody issue? Will I have to be induced? I have very strong expectations and standards of how I deliver... basically - as natural as possible. Induction scares me, how will I know what is the best thing to do at the time...

Prayer has taken on a new role in my life, I truly believe communicating with my Savior is keeping me sane, and functional. I've never in my life been so overwhelmed by everything running through my head and not been able to "manage". I am attempting to keep my thoughts captive... at all times. Trusting my God, who loves and knows me, with my heart, soul, and mind. Holding this little boy with an open hand as so many horrible feelings/options flood my brain. God is teaching me, more than ever before, that His way is best and that not only will His will be done, but His will is what is best for me. I struggle with even that - His will is what is best for His kingdom and glory - that I am just a small part of.
Patience and Contentment have become great lessons for me as well... I never knew I had a problem with contentment until Justin lost his job ... for a second time. I always thought I was a pretty patient person - until I've had to wait 5 long days for something that I still have mixed feelings about.. dread over labor, fear of future, but anticipation for another little light of our life.

Well those are just some of my ramblings... in no particular order. Just here waiting, praying, trusting, and pretty uncomfortable :)