So it's been 7 months since my world was turned upside down once again by my rollypolly chubster - Mason John. His smile lights up my world. He's such a different kid than KJ - content, but definitely knows what he wants when he wants it. He's big - he's in 12-18mo tops :) 20lbs at his 6mo visit. He grabs.. hard.. mainly my face and hair :) He's a ton of fun - but needs to be tickled and played with hard. (KJ would light and giggle at the threat of a tickle :) He's just a joy and watching him with his older sister is just wonderful... God is So gracious and good.
Anyway - I'm mainly posting because my 2.5 yo KJ and I had a wonderful conversation in the car today on the way home from MOPS and I want to remember her sweet heart forever.
I am taking the liberty to paraphrase slightly :)
Me: did you have fun today playing with the kids?
KJ: Yea..
Me: did you play nice and share?
KJ: No...
Me: Sweetie - you should always share, Jesus is happy when we play nice with others...etc...
KJ: No.. I fight.. I fight with Jacob.
Me: Babes - it's not nice to fight with Jacob - you should share ... blah blah
KJ: I fight dragons...(with a sweet sing-song voice) Hiccup fights dragons
* We have now entered into talking about one of her fav movies -"how to train your dragon"
*
Me: You do? Well Hiccup fights dragons because they were bad dragons. If anyone is ever mean or bad you let mommy and daddy take care of it.. you don't fight ...OK?
KJ: (not really listening to ANYTHING I'm saying) Hiccup has a knife... I can use a knife to fight dragons...
Me: No sweetie.. you never play with knives... you can fight pretend dragons, with pretend knives but never for real .. oK?
Kj: (still not really listening) But Hiccup's daddy gave him a knife to fight the dragons...
Me: (I'm running out of how to say anything at this point) that's true KJ, but your daddy and mommy won't give you a knife, and you're not to fight with them... that's just in a movie...
at this point, thankfully, we pulled into the driveway - and the conversation turned to her wanting to play in the rocks and mud and me pulling her inside the house :)
As we ate lunch, we read together "are you my mother" which she pretty much knows by heart... SOOO very smart - it amazes me daily :)
Love my sweet girl
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Waiting... is harder than I thought
Well, I keep telling myself to journal but never get my book out so thought I would update this... not that anyone follows me - but it's good to get my thoughts down.
It's been 5 days... I've gone through most of my pregnancy feeling "not ready" , sadly almost regret about being pregnant. Regret because of guilt over having to split KJ's attention and fear of unknown. Justin lost his job 4 weeks before my due date... how can I care for 2 children at the same time, will my life continue as I have known it? I'm not ready for labor? I remember how hard and awful it was... All these questions, thoughts, fears have been plagueing me... and now I get to battle them a little while longer.
New thoughts and fears have come up in the last 5 days though. Is our precious little one OK? How many times has he kicked this past hour? Is he getting too big? Does he have enough fluid? Is he becoming anemic because of my antibody issue? Will I have to be induced? I have very strong expectations and standards of how I deliver... basically - as natural as possible. Induction scares me, how will I know what is the best thing to do at the time...
Prayer has taken on a new role in my life, I truly believe communicating with my Savior is keeping me sane, and functional. I've never in my life been so overwhelmed by everything running through my head and not been able to "manage". I am attempting to keep my thoughts captive... at all times. Trusting my God, who loves and knows me, with my heart, soul, and mind. Holding this little boy with an open hand as so many horrible feelings/options flood my brain. God is teaching me, more than ever before, that His way is best and that not only will His will be done, but His will is what is best for me. I struggle with even that - His will is what is best for His kingdom and glory - that I am just a small part of.
Patience and Contentment have become great lessons for me as well... I never knew I had a problem with contentment until Justin lost his job ... for a second time. I always thought I was a pretty patient person - until I've had to wait 5 long days for something that I still have mixed feelings about.. dread over labor, fear of future, but anticipation for another little light of our life.
Well those are just some of my ramblings... in no particular order. Just here waiting, praying, trusting, and pretty uncomfortable :)
It's been 5 days... I've gone through most of my pregnancy feeling "not ready" , sadly almost regret about being pregnant. Regret because of guilt over having to split KJ's attention and fear of unknown. Justin lost his job 4 weeks before my due date... how can I care for 2 children at the same time, will my life continue as I have known it? I'm not ready for labor? I remember how hard and awful it was... All these questions, thoughts, fears have been plagueing me... and now I get to battle them a little while longer.
New thoughts and fears have come up in the last 5 days though. Is our precious little one OK? How many times has he kicked this past hour? Is he getting too big? Does he have enough fluid? Is he becoming anemic because of my antibody issue? Will I have to be induced? I have very strong expectations and standards of how I deliver... basically - as natural as possible. Induction scares me, how will I know what is the best thing to do at the time...
Prayer has taken on a new role in my life, I truly believe communicating with my Savior is keeping me sane, and functional. I've never in my life been so overwhelmed by everything running through my head and not been able to "manage". I am attempting to keep my thoughts captive... at all times. Trusting my God, who loves and knows me, with my heart, soul, and mind. Holding this little boy with an open hand as so many horrible feelings/options flood my brain. God is teaching me, more than ever before, that His way is best and that not only will His will be done, but His will is what is best for me. I struggle with even that - His will is what is best for His kingdom and glory - that I am just a small part of.
Patience and Contentment have become great lessons for me as well... I never knew I had a problem with contentment until Justin lost his job ... for a second time. I always thought I was a pretty patient person - until I've had to wait 5 long days for something that I still have mixed feelings about.. dread over labor, fear of future, but anticipation for another little light of our life.
Well those are just some of my ramblings... in no particular order. Just here waiting, praying, trusting, and pretty uncomfortable :)
Thursday, May 6, 2010
the Proverbs 31 woman...some musings
I had the wonderful privelege of knowing a pretty amazing woman who just recently passed away. She was my high school advisor, so from 9th - 12th grade she hounded us about fundraising, SATs, college prep, snack bars, candy sales. She was certainly a character, there was never a dull moment with her. I think as a selfish teenager she was more of a nuisance and amusing to me, but sadly as in most cases with people I didn't really appreciate her life until it was over.
Her funeral was yesterday and my old pastor used the appropriate passage of the Proverbs 31 woman as her celebration message and it got me thinking.
Is this an actual woman or just a standard?
How would people describe me as compared to this passage?
Am I willing to make the sacrifices to be this woman, for my husband and family? (I know I don't already do it)
I struggle so much with working towards God's approval vs. looking for people's approval... would I just be striving for my husband's and other people approval and attention..OR would I recognize this as becoming more Christ-like.
I feel like there's just so much. How do I be a loving wife, attentive mother, effective minister of the Word in my relationships, good housekeeper, adequate cook, worker outside the home, feed the needy, all while being joyful, not stressed out, and not worried. I've heard that the Prov 31 woman is a good standard and impossible to live out.. but it's still in God's word.
This woman, and Christ gives an example of selflessness..I feel like I've already given enough of myself. I feel like I should be able to keep this little bit of myself.. to myself!
I'm so thankful for a God who is patient, and understnading of my weaknesses, who is faithful in His promises, who gives me the strength to be this woman and more.
Her funeral was yesterday and my old pastor used the appropriate passage of the Proverbs 31 woman as her celebration message and it got me thinking.
Is this an actual woman or just a standard?
How would people describe me as compared to this passage?
Am I willing to make the sacrifices to be this woman, for my husband and family? (I know I don't already do it)
I struggle so much with working towards God's approval vs. looking for people's approval... would I just be striving for my husband's and other people approval and attention..OR would I recognize this as becoming more Christ-like.
I feel like there's just so much. How do I be a loving wife, attentive mother, effective minister of the Word in my relationships, good housekeeper, adequate cook, worker outside the home, feed the needy, all while being joyful, not stressed out, and not worried. I've heard that the Prov 31 woman is a good standard and impossible to live out.. but it's still in God's word.
This woman, and Christ gives an example of selflessness..I feel like I've already given enough of myself. I feel like I should be able to keep this little bit of myself.. to myself!
I'm so thankful for a God who is patient, and understnading of my weaknesses, who is faithful in His promises, who gives me the strength to be this woman and more.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
like it never happened...
Well tomorrow will be 3 weeks after KJs surgery... My baby girl is back to her normal happy self. She doesn't seem to be limited in anyway, except for the fact that she doesn't like to walk (before her surgery she would walk around while holding onto someone's hands) She still pulls up and cruises around though. She just loves to be chased around the house.
I'm so very thankful for this time that I get to spend with her, uninterrupted. It's wonderful to not struggle with the guilt that I would have all the time when I would have to balance work and her. I can let her play with her grandparents without feeling like I'm missing out on something. I'm less stressed out, just enjoying each and every moment with her. I feel like our home is happier, there's less pressure on Justin to help. My house is still a mess, I haven't organized anything really, haven't started Christmas shopping, there's still a ton of stuff on my "to do" list, but I know that none of that stuff matters compared to the time I'm spending with our daughter.
her new "5" fingers
Thursday, October 29, 2009
pics - not for the weak-stomached :) casts...incisions..
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look ma - pretty new casts... GO PHILS!! (glad we got this picture when we did .. we lost one only 5 hours later
our makeshift splint..
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her left foot, without her precious toe - I miss it already :(
her right foot
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my happy girl - making funny faces :)
3 casts on.. 3 casts off.. 3 trips to CHOP..what a week
I wonder if everyone has the same stress response time. I have figured out that I can run on adrenaline for quite some time. When I had KJ - I felt "great" for 4 days after she was born and then I hit a wall and could barely get out of bed. I feel like I've been managing this past week pretty well, with alot of practical help from my mom. Well I hit my wall this morning.
So KJ lost her arm cast on Monday, she got a pretty new pink cast Monday. (see prior post)
Tues: KJ was especially fussy in the evening hours, I just figured it was because she was overtired. Finally got her down for bed, and figured I would escape out to see Justin play basketball, since my mom could listen for the baby. I was gone all of 30 minutes when my phone rang. My mom: "Becca, babies awake and upset. I don't want you to worry but one of her casts is off." I think angels protected me on my way home that night.. it was real wet and slippery and I wasn't driving very careful. Sure enough - her Left foot had slipped out of the cast. She seemed more scared then in pain, but it was still pretty traumatic, we wrapped her foot up and I called the orthopedic resident oncall. It was a long night... Justin and I were both so worried that she would bust her stitches open in her sleep. She slept sideways in between us and took up most of the bed, we took turns waking up randomly checking on her.
Wed: Left the house bright and early to head up to CHOP for a new cast. The cast room opens at 8, and we were there a little after that. The cast tech J smiled as we walked in and said that he was actually thinking after we had left the on monday that we'd be back. KJ didn't know what was coming for her. She's such a tough girl... they gave her a pretty new "philly" red cast on her left.. and we all agreed that she should get a new cast for her right foot becuase it looked lose anyway. I didn't realize what they were doing until it was already to late, of course they have to take off the old cast... which involves a fancy circular saw. Oh it was awful, KJ was already upset from all the tugging and holding but when that saw hit her cast even I could feel the vibration ripple through her body, it was so scary for her... and me. I just tried to hold her tight.. sang in her ear and wished it was over for her.
The rest of the morning and afternoon were great.. I felt like I had my little active girl back, you could tell these casts were much more comfortable for her.. maybe a little too comfortable for us all.
Pat came over later in the day, and was playing with the baby, my mom came out from a nap and immediately said - where did her toes go? Wouldn't you know.. my little Houdini baby wriggled her right foot deeper into the cast. (her little toes were showing through before) My heart just dropped and I got that sick feeling in my gut. I called the Orthopedic nurse and she said if it falls off just to wrap it up and come in the morning. It was almost funny... I just kept thinking.. how does this happen! 3x! My mom and I (Justin was working) spent the next 4 hours.. holding and entertaining our little girl...I didn't want her to put pressure on that foot if it was in a bad spot. She kept wriggling though, right before her bedtime she was really uncomfortable and actually pushed the cast off her foot herself. The poor thing... I wrapped her foot up again .. pushed some Tylenol down her throat and let her rest finally. Justin and I weren't as vigilant through the night this time.. we were beat.
Thurs (this am): I had hit my wall.. I knew we had to go back up to chop.. for the 3rd time. My baby woke up happy but couldn't play because of her exposed incision. My mom wasn't feeling well and Justin and I were still tired. I just kept crying... the adrenaline had run up finally. Justin just kept hugging me.. it def helped. Needless to say - I sucked it up. I couldn't be a basketcase all day.. I had stuff going on :) We packed the happy girl up, my mom came with me this time. We walked into the cast room and the girls looked up and literally said.. "oh no not again". There was much discussion. The ortho nurse wanted to give her two new casts above the knee.. which just sounded awful to me. Thank God for the cast tech J, God sent him into the room at the exact right moment. They were about to cut off her good cast when he walked over. He decided (apparently he has alot of say, he's beeen there 29 years) to just soft splint her free leg and wrap it really well. I was SO relieved...I could handle that.. that means only 2 casts have to get sawed off when we go back.. assuming they stay on :)
Its been an exciting adventure thus far... I'm thankful she wont remember any of this.. I'm thankful that God's mercy allows us to forget this hard stuff over time.. we'll even laugh about it someday. I'm thankful for the cast tech J understanding how awful having 2 straight, full leg casts would have been for a 8 mo old and intervened... I'm thankful for all my mom's help.. and my husband hugs and mother-in-laws compassion... I'm thankful for my little breakdown today - that it's over and I can move on :)
Oh - and we have 4 more days til we go back for an appt... 2 more casts to go :)
So KJ lost her arm cast on Monday, she got a pretty new pink cast Monday. (see prior post)
Tues: KJ was especially fussy in the evening hours, I just figured it was because she was overtired. Finally got her down for bed, and figured I would escape out to see Justin play basketball, since my mom could listen for the baby. I was gone all of 30 minutes when my phone rang. My mom: "Becca, babies awake and upset. I don't want you to worry but one of her casts is off." I think angels protected me on my way home that night.. it was real wet and slippery and I wasn't driving very careful. Sure enough - her Left foot had slipped out of the cast. She seemed more scared then in pain, but it was still pretty traumatic, we wrapped her foot up and I called the orthopedic resident oncall. It was a long night... Justin and I were both so worried that she would bust her stitches open in her sleep. She slept sideways in between us and took up most of the bed, we took turns waking up randomly checking on her.
Wed: Left the house bright and early to head up to CHOP for a new cast. The cast room opens at 8, and we were there a little after that. The cast tech J smiled as we walked in and said that he was actually thinking after we had left the on monday that we'd be back. KJ didn't know what was coming for her. She's such a tough girl... they gave her a pretty new "philly" red cast on her left.. and we all agreed that she should get a new cast for her right foot becuase it looked lose anyway. I didn't realize what they were doing until it was already to late, of course they have to take off the old cast... which involves a fancy circular saw. Oh it was awful, KJ was already upset from all the tugging and holding but when that saw hit her cast even I could feel the vibration ripple through her body, it was so scary for her... and me. I just tried to hold her tight.. sang in her ear and wished it was over for her.
The rest of the morning and afternoon were great.. I felt like I had my little active girl back, you could tell these casts were much more comfortable for her.. maybe a little too comfortable for us all.
Pat came over later in the day, and was playing with the baby, my mom came out from a nap and immediately said - where did her toes go? Wouldn't you know.. my little Houdini baby wriggled her right foot deeper into the cast. (her little toes were showing through before) My heart just dropped and I got that sick feeling in my gut. I called the Orthopedic nurse and she said if it falls off just to wrap it up and come in the morning. It was almost funny... I just kept thinking.. how does this happen! 3x! My mom and I (Justin was working) spent the next 4 hours.. holding and entertaining our little girl...I didn't want her to put pressure on that foot if it was in a bad spot. She kept wriggling though, right before her bedtime she was really uncomfortable and actually pushed the cast off her foot herself. The poor thing... I wrapped her foot up again .. pushed some Tylenol down her throat and let her rest finally. Justin and I weren't as vigilant through the night this time.. we were beat.
Thurs (this am): I had hit my wall.. I knew we had to go back up to chop.. for the 3rd time. My baby woke up happy but couldn't play because of her exposed incision. My mom wasn't feeling well and Justin and I were still tired. I just kept crying... the adrenaline had run up finally. Justin just kept hugging me.. it def helped. Needless to say - I sucked it up. I couldn't be a basketcase all day.. I had stuff going on :) We packed the happy girl up, my mom came with me this time. We walked into the cast room and the girls looked up and literally said.. "oh no not again". There was much discussion. The ortho nurse wanted to give her two new casts above the knee.. which just sounded awful to me. Thank God for the cast tech J, God sent him into the room at the exact right moment. They were about to cut off her good cast when he walked over. He decided (apparently he has alot of say, he's beeen there 29 years) to just soft splint her free leg and wrap it really well. I was SO relieved...I could handle that.. that means only 2 casts have to get sawed off when we go back.. assuming they stay on :)
Its been an exciting adventure thus far... I'm thankful she wont remember any of this.. I'm thankful that God's mercy allows us to forget this hard stuff over time.. we'll even laugh about it someday. I'm thankful for the cast tech J understanding how awful having 2 straight, full leg casts would have been for a 8 mo old and intervened... I'm thankful for all my mom's help.. and my husband hugs and mother-in-laws compassion... I'm thankful for my little breakdown today - that it's over and I can move on :)
Oh - and we have 4 more days til we go back for an appt... 2 more casts to go :)
Monday, October 26, 2009
some excitement for a otherwise normal day...
Well KJ is doing amazing... back on whatever semblance of a schedule she was on, eating, smiling, giggling.. Today was a wonderful day. Justin was off, so we all went to breakfast at our favorite little cafe. The rest of the day we just filled with normal stuff. KJ has pretty much perfected her crawl with the "club" on her left arm and has started to figure out how to pull herself to standing like she used to :)
Anyway - for the excitement... my mom and I came home from a beautiful walk in the park and swings for the baby. Justin was in the bathroom :) We put the baby down to play and my mom started to prep for dinner. KJ kept crawling into the kitchen, but because we keep a sock on her casted arm she kept slipping, going backwards, just not going anywhere. So I'd put her back on the carpet.. and she'd start the whole process over again. Well I put her in the middle of the living room and started to walk away and she (of course) started to come after me and as she lifted up her left arm I saw something pink slip off. My heart dropped for a minute... I thought her arm fell off!! and then I realized her cast fell straight off her arm!! I scooped her up.. called out to my mom and panic'd a little!! Her poor little arm.. it was all skinny and sticky and surgery..y. Her little hand was all puffy, and stitched up and red.. but her fingers looked amazing. She immediately starting crying.. either from pain of finally being able to move her fingers (when they're not supposed to be moving!) or the fact that her mom was freaking out a little bit. I finally starting thinking clearly... grabbed some dressings and covered her little hand up before she could move too much. I knew we needn't to make a splint of some sort, all my mom and I could come up with was some plastic knives!... meanwhile... Justin is still in the bathroom! I of course am like.. Babe, I could really use your help.. the baby's cast fell off... he thought I was kidding, but finally came out to help. He saved our little girl from having a splint made of plastic knives and made one up from cut up cardboard.. sterile dressing..tape.. and oh wait... nursing pads! HA! This household can be quite comical.
Thankfully.. KJ was exhausted - we were already due for a nap.. so I was able to put her down and not have to worry about not lettting her crawl around. We had called CHOP and they told us we had 45 minutes to get there before the cast room closed.. so of course we left right away. She was a champ.. got a pretty new pink cast without alot of complaint.. and we were back home in about an hour.
Whew... she can't just be ordinary huh.. crazy
Oh and by the way - best part of this whole ordeal.. we didn't get one picture. Not of her precious little arm and fingers .. not of her crazy makeshift splint that her dad oh so precisely made for her.. and not of her getting a new cast.. Go figure.
Anyway - for the excitement... my mom and I came home from a beautiful walk in the park and swings for the baby. Justin was in the bathroom :) We put the baby down to play and my mom started to prep for dinner. KJ kept crawling into the kitchen, but because we keep a sock on her casted arm she kept slipping, going backwards, just not going anywhere. So I'd put her back on the carpet.. and she'd start the whole process over again. Well I put her in the middle of the living room and started to walk away and she (of course) started to come after me and as she lifted up her left arm I saw something pink slip off. My heart dropped for a minute... I thought her arm fell off!! and then I realized her cast fell straight off her arm!! I scooped her up.. called out to my mom and panic'd a little!! Her poor little arm.. it was all skinny and sticky and surgery..y. Her little hand was all puffy, and stitched up and red.. but her fingers looked amazing. She immediately starting crying.. either from pain of finally being able to move her fingers (when they're not supposed to be moving!) or the fact that her mom was freaking out a little bit. I finally starting thinking clearly... grabbed some dressings and covered her little hand up before she could move too much. I knew we needn't to make a splint of some sort, all my mom and I could come up with was some plastic knives!... meanwhile... Justin is still in the bathroom! I of course am like.. Babe, I could really use your help.. the baby's cast fell off... he thought I was kidding, but finally came out to help. He saved our little girl from having a splint made of plastic knives and made one up from cut up cardboard.. sterile dressing..tape.. and oh wait... nursing pads! HA! This household can be quite comical.
Thankfully.. KJ was exhausted - we were already due for a nap.. so I was able to put her down and not have to worry about not lettting her crawl around. We had called CHOP and they told us we had 45 minutes to get there before the cast room closed.. so of course we left right away. She was a champ.. got a pretty new pink cast without alot of complaint.. and we were back home in about an hour.
Whew... she can't just be ordinary huh.. crazy
Oh and by the way - best part of this whole ordeal.. we didn't get one picture. Not of her precious little arm and fingers .. not of her crazy makeshift splint that her dad oh so precisely made for her.. and not of her getting a new cast.. Go figure.
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